One of the most common challenges I hear from parents of toddlers and preschoolers is the “acting out” right before nap/bedtime. Often the child is said to have been a “great sleeper” prior to this phase. The parents are left confused since they are doing everything as they did before – but it is no longer working.

What is often shared with me, is that out of desperation, the parents start to use threats (“go to sleep or no TV tomorrow all day”) and separation tactics ( baby gates or locks on doors) to encourage their child to cooperate at bedtime. When this doesn’t work, they are left not knowing what to do and often find themselves in a situation they would prefer not to be in.

This is usually the point where my clients reach out to me for help.

I understand where the idea of “tough love” or separation techniques come from. The whole sleep training industry is based on separation techniques, the withdrawal of comfort and the removal of the parent. So, especially for a family that sleep trained their infant – that may seem like a logical response. That is what they have been told, repeatedly, works.

Except it doesn’t.

How dare I say that, right?

But it doesn’t.

The difference is that now, at age 2, 3 or 4 years the child has more words, is persistent, has more independence and can simply get out of bed (especially if they are not in a crib). They won’t willingly accept being left alone to cry; they will probably fight back. So, in comes the barriers – the locking of their door, of the parent’s door, the baby gates etc. The advice to consistently “bring them back to their room and set stronger boundaries” is on repeat. Trust me, I know that parents who have tried this have tried HARD ….and it still didn’t work.

What if I gave you a different perspective?

Now, before I go any further, I want share something with you. When I was pursuing my Early Childhood Education diploma an instructor taught us that you never argue with a child who is having a tantrum because you will lose. He then spent the class teaching us techniques to work with the child in ways that did not involve a battle of wills. I also want to share that there are other factors that can be underlying these tantrums, but that is for another post.

This advice also applies to sleep. Trying to exert force or get into a battle of wills with a child who is in a tantrum mode will not succeed. The only thing that will come out of that is frustration anger and tears - on all sides. Power battles are not my “go to” recommendation for parents when it comes to sleep. In my humble opinion, you don’t need it – your child knows who is in charge. Plus, that is not the best mindset to fall asleep in for anyone.

So, why are they acting this way?

What if the misbehavior and acting out is a call for reconnection with you?

The reality is that there is major development and separation anxiety during these years. Fears also start to develop, and nightmares become more common. This period is full of transitions – daycare starts, school starts, maybe a new sibling comes along…

Children reach for their attachment figures when they feel overwhelmed, disconnected, confused, lost and scared. They will continue to reach for you for many years – even when they go away to University - they will call and come home at the start more than you ever imagined they would.  Remember when your child was a few months old? They would venture away from you but look back often to make sure you haven’t left? It was to reassure themselves you were there, and they were safe. This gave them confidence and security. You are their safe place.

When I share this, I often here “but we do spend time with him/her” and I know you do.  Sometimes, though, when life is busy those 30 minutes before bed is the only time your child feels they have your full and undivided attention. They want to use it – to PLAY – because they reconnect with you, through play. So, when they are told “no, it is bedtime” – they resist, and stall - maybe have a tantrum. They weren’t done reconnecting with you.

So, if we continue with this theory, then a child who feels disconnected needs connection. A child who feels insecure, needs to feel secure again. A child who is scared needs to feel safe and reassured.

When we look at it this way, then separation techniques are not the answer for a child who already feels disconnected. What those techniques will do is reinforce their fear and disconnection. This will lead to more resistance, bedtime stalling, and sleep anxiety. None of which helps reach the goal of more sleep.

Here is the thing: If you went to bed every night for 3 nights and had a recurring nightmare you would start to feel anxious around sleep. You would probably start to delay it to prevent another nightmare – or find ways to comfort yourself. Your child is no different. If every sleep time equals arguments, yelling, threats and separation techniques – your child will resist sleep even more. They will learn to dread that time instead of relish it.

We can work with this by removing the barriers, giving attention to the child during the day (so they are not trying to cram it in during the bedtime routine), and consider staying with them until they feel secure enough to sleep on their own. This looks like whatever you and your child need it to look like. There are many options. I do not believe in a one size fits all solution.

Where does one even start?

Connection and reconnection

Reconnect through cuddles, attention, and play throughout the day. Sleep is very much about attachment, security, mind space and emotions as it is everything else.

In Wellness,

Tamara Jurkin