Resilience in Children During Times of Crisis: Are All Children Naturally Resilient?
We are in a global crisis - this pandemic has brought on a new way of living with bouts of social isolation and many restrictions. At this time, it has been months (ten months to be accurate) and here in Ontario, Canada we have entered our second lockdown. Children are home and on remote learning, parents are working from home (unless they must be in the workplace) and people are experiencing serious exhaustion – physically, and emotionally.
Ten months ago, there was a hard adjustment period to all of this - ten months later, people are tired and on the verge of burnout. As adults we tend to be able to recognize this in ourselves and in other adults. We can acknowledge it, vent about it, and try to find ways to cope.
Many parents are barely hanging on with meeting the demands placed on them – to school their children, continue to be productive for work, care for their families and themselves all while remaining flexible to new restrictions that come out.
But what about the children?
Our children have been asked to give up the only reality they have known. They do not attend in class school (and if they did, they are now home again indefinitely), they are not to see or play with their friends, the extra-curricular physical gatherings have ceased, they are home - all day. They try their best to engage with remote learning, to answer the teacher’s questions, to complete their homework. They try to wait patiently until a parent is free to take them outside to play or to just play with them (virtual screens are not a substitute for human interaction). You may have heard the term “stay safe at home”, however many children are not safe at home. School is the only haven from the chaos of their home. You may have not lived like this, your children may not live like this but trust me, there are many who do.
Our children are trying.
They are waiting.
They are struggling.
How often, have you heard the phrase “children are resilient”? Perhaps you have not heard it at all, or perhaps you share this with others to give hope and support to your fellow drowning parent. This statement comes from a well-meaning place and it is not an incorrect statement; children can be resilient however there are many factors at play with this concept.
What is Resilience Exactly?
Resilience is the ability to cope through a crisis and return quickly to “normal” once the crisis has passed, emotionally and mentally. Resilience does not mean the child will not experience distress from the situation, rather it means they have the capability to recover.
Many believe that all children are resilient because they seem to have an innate ability to “bounce back”. Except resilience and survival mechanisms should not be confused with one another. Children who are abused by their parents are known to love their parents, and even defend them for their survival. That does not mean they come out of childhood unscathed or that what they endured did not affect them because “children are resilient”. We need to practice caution in the buzzwords and catch phrases that can catch on so quickly. Surviving childhood is not thriving in childhood.
Facts:
You are not born with resilience, you develop resilience.
Some children develop resilience while others do not.
According to The Center on the Developing Child, at Harvard University, the most important factor in helping children develop resilience is at least one stable relationship with an attuned parent or adult. They further explain that it is within these relationships that the child is provided with responsiveness, scaffolding and buffers from disruption which helps the child build skills to adapt to adversity. Based on this description, the adult would then need to be in a mental and emotional state to provide this type of support to their child through adversity.
Furthermore, they share that those who demonstrate resilience in one situation may not do so in another and “learning to cope with manageable threats is critical for the development of resilience.” In my opinion, the only way any of this reality is “manageable” for our children is if parents help make it manageable. How many of us currently have the capacity to do this? We are all struggling.
How is Resilience Built?
By using stress reduction techniques that help to build self -regulation skills which help children cope with and adapt to adversity. Building resilience takes time and practice. This is important to understand so that we have realistic expectations of our children.
According to the American Psychological Association, focusing on the following four components can help with empowerment and recovery from difficult situations:
1- Prioritizing Relationships: This can be challenging when we are asked to distance and isolate from others however you can focus on the relationship you have with your child. Reconnect with them and nurture that connection. You can do this in positive situations where you are having fun and situations where your child may be very emotional. In these situations, being present, supportive, and attentive while your child works through those emotions will strengthen your relationship as well.
2- Foster Wellness: Take care of your body and encourage your child to do the same by exercising, getting outdoors, playing, proper nutrition, optimal sleep, hydration, and finding “calm” during the day.
3- Find Purpose: Perhaps together you can help others in your family or community to give hope and foster self-worth. If your child is older, you can help them problem solve and be proactive about their feelings and situation by asking them “what can you do right now to help yourself feel better? What can I do to help?” This encourages them to think through the problem at hand and come up with solutions which can be empowering in a powerless situation. Focus on what can be controlled.
4- Embrace Healthy Thoughts: Keep an eye on what you and your child are consuming daily. Messaging from News outlets, clickbait titles on the internet and social media can contribute to fear and increase anxiety. Find boundaries around how often you access this information and from which avenues. Set boundaries: if learning the new case counts everyday triggers anxiety and fear, ask yourself “do I need to know the daily case count, or can I check it once a week?” The same goes for your older child.
Supporting Emotional Wellness
During times of crisis, emotions can become overwhelming for adults and children. It is important to recognize this and accept it as a natural part of processing. If you need to cry or your child needs to cry – then make the space for that. Holding in such emotions will only seep into the cells of the body and be stored for later time. You cannot successfully suppress grief; it will come back louder and angrier than ever. Feel it as it comes and encourage your child to do the same.
It is okay if your child feels sad, lonely, frustrated, anxious and angry. We are all feeling it as adults- why would they feel any less? Older children talk to one another, overhear adult conversations and are very perceptive. If you have an infant or toddler - they absorb your energy and you may notice a difference in eating habits, mood or even sleep quality. We are not separate from one another in a family dynamic. We nurture one another and feed off one another every day with every interaction.
If your child’s anger is overwhelming for you, provide them with safe outlets such as exercising or running to get the anger out. Anger is a normal human emotion and teaching our children the acceptable ways of releasing that anger is beneficial. It will either come out in a healthy way or an unhealthy one (aggression toward others, self-medicating behaviors, clinical anxiety, “cutting” etc).
Be careful with “toxic positivity” — the movement to make all that is difficult and trying into something positive. Being pressured to find the silver lining when you are grieving, barely surviving, and struggling with your mental health can be very triggering and overwhelming. It can also provoke feelings of failure if you are unable to do so. There may come a point in your journey where you are able to look back at this time and see positivity but that may not be right now. That is okay too.
These are not easy times.
I have heard the argument of children who have lived through wars and turned out “fine” as adults. Generally, this is shared in relation to missing school. I understand where that statement stems from having been an educator for young children and adults myself. However, I am not just focusing on physically surviving, but on psychological safety, mental health, and thriving.
I have friends and family who have lived through a war and fought in that war. I met with them during, immediately after the war ended and years later. The scars remain with many struggling with PTSD and anxiety, I would passionately argue that they are not “fine”.
This is not just about an unideal school year – this is about our children’s mental health and trying to keep that intact for them so that they can recover. We also need to accept that we may never return to the “normal” we knew, and we must allow ourselves to grieve that loss.
We cannot just say “children are resilient” without ensuring we are supporting our children, buffering the stress and maintain a close and secure connection with them during this time. If you or your child are struggling, please consider reaching out for mental health support via the school, your primary care provider or your community.
Sources:
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience/
https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
In Wellness,